Gracelynn Ruth's Birth Story or His Plan is Best

So it's been almost 2 years since I posted on this blog?! I have no idea what could have possibly been keeping me busy...besides planning a wedding, getting married, moving into our first house, and working my first real job. Oh, and carrying and giving birth to our first child!

What better than the birth of our little girl to get me back on the blog, right?! Now that she's here and sleeping [almost always] through the night and my world is starting to consist of more than just feedings, sleeping, and feeding again, it's time to share my daughter's birth story!

It's funny; all the plans you make when you're expecting, all the hopes and ideals you build up for the birth experience...and somehow God always takes our dreams and plans and turns them all around and upside down and yet the stories are *still* beautiful.

This is our story. From the beginning it was anything but "ideal" from a human perspective. We didn't expect to be expecting our first child before our first anniversary. We didn't plan to be moving, unpacking, and starting my new job in the early weeks of pregnancy. We didn't dream we would experience bleeding and a threatened miscarriage early on. [That's a story in itself!] But all of this our Father knew. And He is faithful. We know His plan far outbested our best plans and were thrilled to learn of the little life growing inside me! Although I didn't find pregnancy to be high on my list of "favorite things", the joys and blessings were still to be found, along with the anticipation and excitement of preparing for our little one to join us. Somehow I made it through the last weeks of my kindergarten job and we were at home anxiously expecting the arrival any day of our little girl!

My mother-in-law arrived, the crib was ready, all her little clothes were washed and stacked neatly, and I was...VERY pregnant. So began the anxious waiting to feel the first signs of labor beginning! As my due date approached, apart from the intense discomfort of late pregnancy I felt...nothing! At each doctor's appointment baby girl was still doing well and ready to go, but no signs of labor. Rats! I should mention that although I was hoping against hope, I was half-expecting to go past my due date as my mom has a history of carrying her babies for 42 weeks!

At our 39 week appointment we were surprised to see that somehow even in extremely cramped quarters Little Miss Zhang had managed to wrap herself up in the umbilical cord not once but TWICE! It was distressing, to say the least, since I was all ready to go for a natural delivery as soon as contractions started. To make things worse, her heart rate had slowed significantly compared to her usual heart rate. I was shocked to hear the doctor recommending that we be admitted to the hospital until she was born just to be on the safe side! What?! From still having another week to wait until the due date, to going to the hospital and suddenly expecting her anytime?!  Hubby and I talked and prayed about it and decided that due to our living a considerable distance from the hospital we should go. In the event that her heart rate dropped lower or we began to experience any other complications, it would be better to be where we could receive immediate care.

When we checked in to the hospital the next day they ran us through some tests and found that the cord was still wrapped around twice and baby girl's heart rate was still low. When our OBGYN discovered this she immediately recommended a C-section. I was beyond distressed to hear this and asked many questions and explored all our chances of being able to wait it out and give birth naturally. It was a difficult decision for us and we had all our family praying for wisdom and peace! We asked God to show us the best and safest way for both our little girl and her mommy, and we feel that in the following hours He did so. First of all when they checked me to see if I had begun to dialate, nothing. NO signs that labor was anywhere close to starting. Meh! How discouraging! Then during the 20 minute stress-test baby girl's heart beat was either in the lowest range of what is safe, or even dropping down to unsafe. The last straw for me was what I believe to be a miracle sign from God. Until this point I hadn't experienced a single real contraction, just Braxton Hicks. However during the 20 minute test I had 2 or 3 real, painful contractions and we were able to see our baby's response to them. Her heart rate dropped incredibly low during each contraction, and for me that was a sign that if she was distressed during these first, small contractions there's no way she would be able to handle full on labor. Besides there was still no indication that I would go into labor any time soon. So we made the call to schedule a C-section!

It's very strange to suddenly have all your ideas of how your birth plan will go being exchanged for planning for surgery. In the hours leading up to the scheduled time I found myself struggling with letting go of my ideals. I was even more upset to learn that Winston would not be able to join me in the operating room. What?! We would not get to experience the arrival of our daughter and becoming a family together as I had imagined for so many months! I fretted and worried that my baby girl would miss me, having been carried close to my heart for so long, and suddenly out and on her own while I was sewed up after she was born. But about half an hour before they came to prep me for surgery I was listening to two songs that I believe God gave me for my delivery: Hillsong's "Still" and Chris Tomlin's "All the Way My Savior Leads Me" and so much peace washed over me. Out loud I gave my ideals and dreams and plans to God and told Him that I receive and accept the birth story He was going to give me and my baby girl. From that moment on there was no distress, no anxiety, not even any fear of surgery. Just joy. His time was now. I would be a mother in a matter of minutes, and would be holding my baby girl in my arms. As I was wheeled back to the operating room I looked at my husband and smiled and tears began to roll down my cheeks. The nurses said, "Don't be scared! It will be alright!" "I'm not scared," I answered, "I'm just so happy and excited!"

The operating room experience was nothing like I had imagined. I pictured white and cold and quiet and alone. The doctors and nurses gathered around first thing to get their picture with me before surgery! I know, I know, In the States this would be unheard of! They even posted the pics to an online media site right there in the operating room! Cracked me up right from the start! There I was in my luxurious hospital/surgery clothes, no makeup, grinning a silly grin and giving a thumbs up minutes before my baby girl would be pulled out of my giant belly! The anesthesiologist asked it it was twins. Sigh. For the last time, "No, just one!" The nurses and anesthesiologist proceeded to give me the spinal to numb me from the waist down, and while I was scared it would hurt, I was shocked when they told me it was all over. It felt like a pinch or a push on my spine and I kid you not, 30 seconds later I couldn't even feel my legs. It was the craziest feeling ever! I had worried that I wouldn't be with it enough to realize what was happening for my daughter's birth, but although the lower half of my body was totally numb, I felt like my mind went into super-clear overdrive state. I remember every single thing about how the room looked and smelled and everything everyone said. The anesthesiologist gave the ok to start and called the time. The nurses and anesthesiologist started chatting with me while the doctors worked and I remember talking about how my husband and I met, how I learned Chinese, and how I had spent time teaching English in Taiwan. We chatted it up big time, and I didn't feel anything except a bunch of tugging and pulling behind the curtain.

Then they told me I would feel some more intense tugs and pulls for abour 5 minutes. Whew, was it intense! No pain at all, but wow, I thought my body would come off the table they were pulling so hard! In all that pulling I heard the doctor say, "Sheng!" which in Chinese means to give birth, and with one mighty tug all the tugging and pulling stopped. It seems like time froze for that moment. I'm tearing up now as I write about it. "2:46pm!" The anthesthesiologist called the time. I heard a couple little fussy cries and my heart stood still. "Is that my baby?!" I asked. "That's your daughter!" the nurses told me. Instantly I was overcome with the most amazing joy and the deepest love I've ever experienced. It was my Gracelynn Ruth. I was a mommy! Tears rolled down my cheeks and I talked to her so she would hear my voice as they cleaned her up and wrapped her in the blankets I had prepared for her months before. "Gracelynn, Mommy's right here! Mommy loves you! Don't be afraid, little girl...Mommy's right here!" The nurse standing beside me used the blanket to wipe my tears and looking up I saw she was using her sleeve to wipe at her own tears. There will never be anything to top it. It was a holy moment. They brought her over to me, swaddled until nothing but her sweet, wet face was peeking out. I kissed it and took in her scent and her flavor, relishing and basking in the fact that this was my little girl. Then they carried her out to her Daddy and Grandma while they sewed me up. Winston says it was about half an hour but I felt like it was just a few seconds. I was so pleased and thrilled and still not experiencing any pain at all.

They wheeled me out of the operating room where my sweet husband kissed me and then we went straight to our hospital room [No long hours in recovery! YAY!] where my baby girl was waiting with Grandma. After considerable heaving and tugging they got my still totally numb self onto the bed and laid my precious little one in the crook of my arm so I could hold her for the first time. More tears. She knew my voice and smell, and started to cry hungry fusses. Her daddy leaned over the bed and called her name, "Gracelynn!" She turned towards his voice. He leaned down and kissed us both. We were a family and it was perfect.

There are many more details about the not-so-perfect parts...
About after the spinal wore off and crying joyous tears through the pain and telling hubby I'd do it all over again for our little girl and dealing with the pain and recovery while trying to nurse my newborn and learning to sit up again, and walking for the first time and going to the bathroom for the first time, and so many overwhelming, challenging, beautiful and glorious firsts!

Here we are, two months later with a gorgeous, chunky 2 month old girly who talks and coos and smiles and lights up our lives every day! I would like to say, His plan is perfect. Every time I think I have the best plan He has a better one. Every time I think I can't follow through with His changed up version of my plan, He shows me I can in His strength. Every time I worry that I am the worst mom in the world, He reminds me that we're all the worst parents in the world learning from Him how to be better parents. I've found He gives grace for every step WHEN it's time to take that step...not sooner. The day Gracie was born I was still overwhelmed and thinking "How do I do this?!" The minute I held her in my arms I knew, "With the grace He is giving me right now. In this moment." And so I am trying to live moment by moment with my little girl. Parent her, make decisions, love her, show her [and my hubby] grace...in that moment. The moments all add up to make the days and months and He is there with His grace to give wisdom and cover my failings.

He is so, so good!