still with me

it's time, i believe, to explain the origins of the name of this blog, 'still with Thee.'
it began when sometime in the last two years a great and terrible sorrow came to me, plunging me into a time of doubting the truth and the trustworthiness of everything i had ever believed. the question came over and over to haunt me, "if it's all true, if there is a God, would He really deal this way with those committed and sworn to follow Him to the end...those He claims to love and cherish as His own children?" for a long time i could not make my idea of what it should mean to be a disciple mesh with the harsh and devastating circumstances in which i found myself. 


during that time of doubting and floundering my parents traveled thousands of miles to be with me, offering what i needed most...a physical presence to hold me, and comfort me and prove to me that not everything and everyone in this wide world were against me. they reached out with His hands and His love and let me see Him thru them when i couldn't see Him for myself. one morning as my dad held me and prayed over me he quoted psalm 139 and while i was still in a frame of mind that caused me to doubt every bit of truth i heard, one phrase reached out to grab me. coming home from work that day i sat down and, in about 20 minutes, wrote a poem based on that phrase. 


to this day i don't know how i wrote this poem at that time in my life; except it was simply God's mercy and grace allowing me to see from somewhere deep down inside me that His truth and His word are abiding and enduring. even tho my eyes, at that point, were still blinded and my heart hardened, i think that this poem pulled on things i had known to be true in the past and gave me a strand of hope that somehow, someway, this is all for a purpose, and when all is said and done, i will find myself still with Him. 


when i decided to start this blog and was looking for something to call it, i happened across that poem and realized that He has done it...that His love and His holy purpose have brought me thru to the other side of that trial. and i find myself exactly where i have been all along...held tightly in the palm of His hand.


this blog is a testimony to that fact, and a record of the journey i am still on as i return to faith and joy and contentment in Him. as He becomes my life. no matter what the future holds, or how high the waves that have yet to crash over my head, i know when the storm dies down i will find Him still with me. and that's why i'm still here to write this post today.


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still with Thee
when by waters still Thou leadest
in the pastures green Thou feedest
when goodness and mercy follow all my days


still with Thee
when the skies above are cloudless
and my heart is light and careless
and my soul soars high on eagle's wings


still with Thee
when all around me waits in silence
and surrounded by Thy presence
i can hear the whisper of Thy Voice


still with Thee
in paths befogged with mist and darkness
led in ways made rough with sadness
yet Thy Word enlightens all my way


still with Thee
as all of nature groans and trembles
caves and mountains disassembled
all Thy waves and billows cover me


still with Thee
when through the fire of trial Thou takest
all Thy gold from dross Thou purgest
pain and sorrow working out Thy will


still with Thee
as the heart in weakness faileth
arm of flesh unfaithful proveth
only to discover Thy great strength


still with Thee
when the heart with sorrow battered
lovliest dream so crudely shattered
Thou rememberest every tear that falls


still with Thee
as with cherished sons Thou chasteneth
all those whom Thy love restraineth
working thus to form the will to Thine


still with Thee
ever in Thy work abounding
joys and duties all resounding
in a holy sacrifice of praise


still with Thee
when the hoped for day arriving
gladly to Thy call replying
this Thy servant enters into rest


and in joyous anthems joining
all aglow with glory shining
evermore with Thee my Lord to be
i will find that Thou art
still with me

returning assurance

though Thou slay me i will trust
praise Thee even from the dust
prove, and tell it as i prove,
Thine unutterable love

Thou mayst chasten and correct
but Thou never canst neglect
since the ransom price is paid
on Thy love my hope is stay'd

~spurgeon

windows in the clouds

we've all heard that "clouds have their silver linings" and it's a beautiful sight to behold, for sure. this evening out on a run i could hardly stop looking up at the sky. when i started out there was a massive dark, grey cloud hanging over and hiding the sun. but as the sun began to set and the clouds changed their paces and shapes i looked up and not only could i see pink and gold shining out from behind the edges of the clouds, but there was a huge hole opened up in the middle of the cloud and the sun's rays were spilling through in all directions in bright hues of yellow and gold and white. it was glorious.

i may feel as though the situation i find myself in at present is dull and drear and as though i can't see any light at all from this perspective. waiting to see what is the next step while really not having a clue what His master plan involves for me in this next stage of life. a good time with Him in His Word today allowed me to see a little bit of the end goal and gave me hope and the ability to trust Him for the future i can't see. how i thank Him for sometimes making a window in the clouds so that we can see the Light that He sees all the time.

heartache is the norm

                   "can you imagine how the disciples must have felt...

                    living their mundane little lives as fisherman...

                    one day this Man comes who commands them to follow Him

                    and then they just follow Him...

                    but can you imagine how their worlds must have been rocked??

                    like slowly realizing who He was...

                    and what He was asking of them...

                    and what kind of fight they were getting into...

                    and how their lives would never be the same?"

this was a question asked of me during an online conversation with my best friend a couple days ago. as the above reverie took shape in the message box in front of me, and before i even really allowed myself to seriously consider the question, i suddenly knew the answer as it burned itself thru my chest...

                   "actually, i feel like i kind of can"

whoever came up with the name-it-claim-it, prosperity-gospel kinds of "christianity," teaching that to be a christian means a life of ease and pleasure with all your needs provided for and all your wants also supplied with just a whim and a prayer, has done a lot in the so-called "christian" arena to draw multitudes of people who are looking for a free hand-out or a better life and will never know what it really means to be a follower and disciple of Jesus Christ. 

an earnest look at the kind of life Jesus Himself lived (matt. 8:20) and our simple calling as His disciples to be like our Lord (matt. 10:25) and it is obvious that this life as a follower and imitator of Him not only will involve heartache and suffering, but is meant to. He is the "Man of Sorrows," and "acquainted with grief." He is the one who wept over His unbelieving city and whose heart was heavy to the point of death at the thought of leaving His friends behind. 

in addition to the example of our Lord Himself, we also have the testimonies of countless heroes of the faith and persecuted christians who have walked the road of suffering and found that it leads closer than ever to the Savior who walked there before, and who have lived to bear witness to the truth that any sorrow is worth it that reveals to the grieving heart more of Him who suffered for us. 

the past two years for me, have been a time of watching all of this become more than just words on the pages of scripture, or a testimony from a biography. through the severe mercy and graceful providence of my sovereign God, my eyes have been gradually opened, thru personal experiences of pain and sorrow in the extreme, to see the reality of what it means to be His child, His disciple, His friend. 

at first the un-ripened soul groans and rebels at the harsh realization that this life we are called to live is not at all what it has all along been supposed to be. it seems at the beginning of His hard lessons, as tho we have been lied to; led along by some promise of joy and glory overflowing, only to be dragged down into the mud and mire of reality...pain, disappointment, discouragement, and loss. and to the wounded spirit is whispered, not the comforting words it longs to hear - that it will be ok...that our warrior King will quickly come to the rescue and deliver us from every hurt and every discomfort and restore to us the joy of our salvation -  but rather the shocking, dis-heartening truth that this has been His object and aim all along. 

it is then that it would seem all hope is gone and all purpose for continuing on His path destroyed. for what use is it to cling to empty promises? and what glory can be brought from a life sinking down into the dundrums of despair?

oh, but it is then that His purpose begins to be seen...as He gently takes what is left of our hearts and dreams and molds them in His own nail-scarred hands. as He speaks to us words that only He can speak, and soothes our tired souls with His own healing balm...He who knew pain and sorrow, and gladly bore it that we might walk the path we are now walking. then He begins to open our eyes to see with clarity the comparison with what we are losing and what we are gaining. oh the joy and relief when we are convinced finally to look up from the dust where we lie and see the that we still own the Treasure we had almost given up in return for the ashes we once clung to. (matt. 13:45-46)

for His touch is the only one that can open our eyes to see, that can move our cold, deadened hearts to feel, and re-inspire our faltering spirits to rejoice once again in His mercy that brings us to the end of ourselves to discover where the "life that is Christ" begins. (col. 3:4)

and so while my heart is throbbing from the recent separation of all that is familiar and loved, 

and while i honestly see no reason to think that it will ever stop between now and the day when it is finally and wholly healed in His presence...

and while i have only come to realize as time goes by that it is not as hard as i thought it was, but harder...

it is still OK

because no matter what i gain, or what i lose, 

i still have Him.

to be perfectly frank, right now as i finish this post, not one of the above sentiments feels as engrafted into my heart as i wish they were. thankfully, He has His ways and means of melding our rebellious hearts and His ways into one. if He can be pleased by the fact that these are my beliefs and regardless of my sinful quirks and tendancies this is my desire...

if He is glorified that's all that matters

"that I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death..."

(phil. 3:10)

"my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. for to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

(phil. 1:20-21)

the language of my heart

tonight i went to a chinese restaurant with my family and spoke chinese to the people there for the first time since leaving taiwan almost 4 weeks ago. talked to an adorable little boy who called me "a yi" and had a nice conversation with his mom, a girl from hong kong who married a taiwanese guy and came to the states. another worker came out and started talking to me in taiwanese and i got to use the taiwanese words i know as well. it was wonderful. then we had to go. i went back to the van. i was suddenly overcome with missing taiwan, kinmen, and my dear friends there. i was suddenly reminded overwhelmingly how LARGE a part of my heart is still there...and always will be. i cried.