the face of love

...experiences, observations, and thoughts from today's local baptist associational Christmas gift give away for needy children...

...some people God just brings across your path and says, "GO to that person, they need you!"
and not until you go do you realize what an incredible blessing you would have missed had you not obeyed.

...one lady sat crying with her head in her hands because she had just received a phone call telling her that her aunt, who had been battling cancer, had just passed away. all she needed was someone to be there for her, hold her, comfort her, cry with her, and let her know God hasn't forgotten her. she left with a trunk full of gifts for her two small children and a smile on her face, saying she knows God is with her and thanking Him for His blessings.

...a day-long service project should not be attempted without breakfast and coffee.

...all it takes is a glad heart and a cheerful smile to show people that Love has a face.

...if good deeds are done without love or without any outward demonstration of it, it's NOT love, NOT in His name, and better off not being done. (1 cor. 13:1-3)

...God will reward our slightest effort to be His hands and feet and respond to the people and situations around us the way Jesus would if He were walking here on earth. two ladies in a difficult situation financially and transportation-wise responded with grateful hugs and tears when i was able to help them work it out.

...music is everything when it comes to setting the mood for Christmas cheer!

..."mild He lays His glory by..." "...pleased as man with man to dwell, Jesus our Emmanuel..."
the beauty of the Christmas season is not about toys, gifts, goodies, decorations, shopping, parties, or even family. the beauty of this season we go to all lengths to celebrate is summed up in this passage -

"the Word became flesh and dwelt among us." (john 1:14)

lowly and undeserving as we are, ungrateful as we may be, our Savior, the King of the Earth, and the Owner and Creator of it all, humbled Himself and came to where we lie in our own blood and filth simply to reach out to us with His love, hope, and truth. to bring us His peace and joy.

surely what we as Christians, so-called "disciples" of His, should be most about as we celebrate His coming, (as well as every day we live!) is emulating our Example by coming down from our pedestals, laying aside our prejudices and pre-conceived assumptions, and living, loving, and serving alongside the people surrounding us who still walk in darkness.

"for what what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus sake. for God, who said, "let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ."
(2 cor. 4:5-6)

on true faith and simple trust

recently God is teaching me a lot about faith. not the kind of faith that depends on itself and the good feelings it can generate and muster up when things are going as close as possible to expectation and desire, but the kind that holds on to God even when it seems foolish and naive to do so. when it seems God is going against His own character and dashing to the ground every last promise He has ever made. or when you know He has a "plan" and it's "all for our good" but with the human eye we just can't see at all how He is orchestrating all these random, jumbled up, messes of our lives for anything that could possibly bring Him glory.

today i came across this illustration while reading charles spurgeon and it spoke to me. praying God might use it to encourage someone else...

*"in this mortal life trust God for all things; and trust Him alone. this is the way to live. i know it by experience. God's bare arm is quite enough to lean upon. i will give you a bit of the experience of an old laboring man  once knew. he feared God above many, and was very deeply taught of the Spirit. my picture will show you what kind of a man he was—great at hedging and ditching; but greater at simple trust. here is how he described, faith:—

"it was a bitter winter, and i had no work, and no bread in the house. the children were crying. the snow was deep, and my way was dark. my old master told me i might have a bit of wood when i wanted it; so i thought a bit of fire would warm the poor children, and i went out with my chopper to get some fuel. i was standing near a deep ditch full of snow, which had drifted into it many feet deep—in fact, i did not know how deep. while aiming a blow at a bit of wood my bill-hook slipped out of my hand, and went right down into the snow, where i could not hope to find it. standing there with no food, no fire, and the chopper gone, something seemed to say to me, 'will richardson, can you trust God now?' and my very soul said, 'that i can.'"

this is true faith—the faith which trusts the Lord when the bill-hook is gone: the faith which believes God when all outward appearances give him the lie; the faith which is happy with God alone when all friends turn their backs upon you...may you and i have this precious faith, this real faith, this God-honoring faith! the Lord's truth deserves it; His love claims it; His faithfulness constrains it. happy is he who has it!"*

what God does, that is done well

a friend recently shared with me this english translation of the words to a piece from a german cantata

the words are so simple, yet so powerful at the same time

i pray that this may be my confession of faith

i know that it is the prayer of my heart

"Was Gott tut, das ist wohlgetan"

what God does, that is done well!

His will remains just
however He deals with my affairs

i want calmly to place my whole trust in Him

He is my God who in my troubles
knows well how to support me

therefore i let Him alone rule over me

what God does, that is done well
He will not deceive me

He leads me along the right way
so i live content
with His favor and have patience
He will turn aside my misfortune
for He has the power to do so

what God does, that is done well

He will take good care of me

He, as my Physician and Miracle Worker
will not give me poison
instead of medicine
therefore i want to rely on Him
and trust His grace

what God does, that is done well
He is my Light, my Life

who can have no ill will towards me
i want to entrust myself to Him
in Joy and sorrow. The time will come
when it will be clearly apparent
how faithful His intention is

what God does, that is done well
if i have to taste the chalice
that I foolishly imagine is bitter
i shall not let myself be frightened
since in the end I shall feel delight
and sweet consolation in my heart
then all sorrows will vanish

what God does, that is done well
i shall keep to this thought
it may be that on the rough road
i shall be driven by distress, death and misery
yet God will, just like a Father
hold me in His arms
therefore I let Him alone rule over me

enlarge my heart

nothing i do on this earth
whether it be worship
whether it be surrender
whether it be loving like Him
whether it be walking in His ways
whether it be becoming like Him

nothing
can be done in my own strength

my heart is so desperately wicked and deceitful. (jer. 17:9)
there is nothing good there with which to turn to Him
not even the desire or the strength to turn to Him and His word

if there is a longing after Him
if there is a passion, no matter how weak, to know Him
if there is a desire for His glory
if there is a hunger and thirst to be like Him

this is solely the result of His enlarging my heart
to desire the heavenly
to conquer the flesh
to contain the things He longs to reveal to me

i cannot work this in my own heart
no matter how i try
no matter how much of a martyr i make of myself

i am nothing
my heart is nothing
my attempts are nothing

apart from Him
apart from His regenerating work
apart from His placing in me that desire i crave
apart from His working in me that heart after Him

oh God, enlarge my heart!

"i will run in the way of your commandments when You enlarge my heart."
psalm 119:32

this testimony is His just due

so i've posted this before on fb, but read it again today and was so blessed that i want to post it again here. :)

He has done all things well.”— Mark 7:37 

yes, from first to last, from our cradle to our grave, from the earliest pang of sin’s conviction to the last thrill of sin’s forgiveness, from earth to heaven; this will be our testimony in all the way the Lord our God has led us in the wilderness: “He has done all things well.”

in providence and in grace,

in every truth of His Word,

in every lesson of His love,

in every stroke of His rod,

in every sunbeam that has shone,

in every cloud that has shaded,

in every element that has sweetened,

in every ingredient that has embittered,

in all that has been mysterious, inscrutable, painful, and humiliating;

in all that He gave, and all that He took away,

—this testimony is His just due, and this our grateful acknowledgment through time and through eternity:

“He has done all things well.”

has He converted us through grace by a way we had thought the most improbable?

has He torn up all our earthly hopes by the roots?

has He thwarted our schemes, frustrated our plans, disappointed our expectations?

has He taught us in schools most trying, by a discipline most severe, and lessons most humbling to our nature?

has He withered our strength by sickness, reduced us to poverty by loss, crushed our heart by bereavement?

and have we been tempted to exclaim, “all these things are against me?” ah! no! faith will yet obtain the ascendancy, and sweetly sing:

“i know in all things that befell, My Jesus has done all things well.”

beloved, it must be so, for Jesus can do nothing wrong. study the way of His providence and grace with the microscopic eye of faith, view them in every light, examine them in their minutest detail, as you would the petal of a flower, or the wing of an insect; and, oh, what wonders, what beauty, what marvellous adaptation would you observe in all the varied dealings with you of your glorious Lord!

Iill sing of Jesus crucified,

the Lamb of God who bled and died,

a healing balm, a crimson tide,

flowed from His head, His feet, His side!

above the rest this note shall swell,

‘my Jesus has done all things well.’

He sought me in the wilderness,

and found me there in deep distress;

He changed and washed this heart of mine,

and filled me with His love Divine!

above the rest this note shall swell,

‘my Jesus has done all things well.’

for what the Lord has done for me,

for boundless grace so rich and free,

for all His mercies that are past,

i’ll praise Him while my life shall last!

above the rest this note shall swell,

‘my Jesus has done all things well.’

when sorrow’s waves around me roll,

His promises my mind console;

when earth and hell my soul assail,

His grace and mercy never fail.

above the rest this note shall swell,

‘my Jesus has done all things well.’

when death shall steal upon my frame,

to damp and quench the vital flame,

i’ll look into my Savior’s breast,

and there recline and sweetly rest.

above the rest this note shall swell,

‘my Jesus has done all things well.’

and when we join the ransomed throng,

to chant the sweet immortal song,

with tuneful heart, and voice, and tongue,

we’ll roll the lofty note along!

above the rest this note shall swell,

‘my Jesus has done all things well.’

to Him who washed us in His blood,

and made us kings and priests to God;

hosanna we will ever sing,

and make the heavenly arches ring!

above the rest this note shall swell,

‘my Jesus has done all things well.’

“He has done all things well.” – Mark 7:37

—adapted from Octavius Winslow‘s, “The Sigh of Christ”

the works of His hands

“for you, O LORD, have made me glad by Your work;
   at the works of Your hands I sing for joy.”

psalm 92:4

today as i read thru the psalms this verse screamed out at me to stop. it screamed out because of all the times i have read that verse and wondered what there was about the works of God to make me glad. not that He doesn’t do great things, but sometimes from my perspective it looks as tho His works give me only cause to grieve. today, tho, as soon as my eyes landed on the page i knew that i have much to praise Him for. and for the first time in many months i realized that His works truly have made me glad in Him, rather than just knowing i need to be glad and trying to make myself glad.

but as i contemplated longer, i knew something else. it is indeed ALL of His works, coming together in His sovereign time and for His immaculate purpose, that have made me glad. even the ones i felt at the time to be harsh and unjust. my mind skipped over to Hebrews chapter 12 and i read these verses…

 “…have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

 ‘my son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by Him. for the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives.’…it is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. for what son is there whom his father does not discipline?...He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness. for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it...”

hebrews 12:4-11

“for the moment all discipline seems painful…”

yes, it does. it seems at times that we have a cruel Father, not concerned in the least for our happiness.

but it is “that we may share His holiness.”

wow. it is those He loves, those He looks on as precious children, those He wishes to see made like Himself, who feel the sting of His painful, chastising works.

but in the end, it is all “for our good.”  

the joyous and the painful.

and today it is about ALL the works of His hands that I sing for joy.

“and we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.”

romans 8:28

still with me

it's time, i believe, to explain the origins of the name of this blog, 'still with Thee.'
it began when sometime in the last two years a great and terrible sorrow came to me, plunging me into a time of doubting the truth and the trustworthiness of everything i had ever believed. the question came over and over to haunt me, "if it's all true, if there is a God, would He really deal this way with those committed and sworn to follow Him to the end...those He claims to love and cherish as His own children?" for a long time i could not make my idea of what it should mean to be a disciple mesh with the harsh and devastating circumstances in which i found myself. 


during that time of doubting and floundering my parents traveled thousands of miles to be with me, offering what i needed most...a physical presence to hold me, and comfort me and prove to me that not everything and everyone in this wide world were against me. they reached out with His hands and His love and let me see Him thru them when i couldn't see Him for myself. one morning as my dad held me and prayed over me he quoted psalm 139 and while i was still in a frame of mind that caused me to doubt every bit of truth i heard, one phrase reached out to grab me. coming home from work that day i sat down and, in about 20 minutes, wrote a poem based on that phrase. 


to this day i don't know how i wrote this poem at that time in my life; except it was simply God's mercy and grace allowing me to see from somewhere deep down inside me that His truth and His word are abiding and enduring. even tho my eyes, at that point, were still blinded and my heart hardened, i think that this poem pulled on things i had known to be true in the past and gave me a strand of hope that somehow, someway, this is all for a purpose, and when all is said and done, i will find myself still with Him. 


when i decided to start this blog and was looking for something to call it, i happened across that poem and realized that He has done it...that His love and His holy purpose have brought me thru to the other side of that trial. and i find myself exactly where i have been all along...held tightly in the palm of His hand.


this blog is a testimony to that fact, and a record of the journey i am still on as i return to faith and joy and contentment in Him. as He becomes my life. no matter what the future holds, or how high the waves that have yet to crash over my head, i know when the storm dies down i will find Him still with me. and that's why i'm still here to write this post today.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


still with Thee
when by waters still Thou leadest
in the pastures green Thou feedest
when goodness and mercy follow all my days


still with Thee
when the skies above are cloudless
and my heart is light and careless
and my soul soars high on eagle's wings


still with Thee
when all around me waits in silence
and surrounded by Thy presence
i can hear the whisper of Thy Voice


still with Thee
in paths befogged with mist and darkness
led in ways made rough with sadness
yet Thy Word enlightens all my way


still with Thee
as all of nature groans and trembles
caves and mountains disassembled
all Thy waves and billows cover me


still with Thee
when through the fire of trial Thou takest
all Thy gold from dross Thou purgest
pain and sorrow working out Thy will


still with Thee
as the heart in weakness faileth
arm of flesh unfaithful proveth
only to discover Thy great strength


still with Thee
when the heart with sorrow battered
lovliest dream so crudely shattered
Thou rememberest every tear that falls


still with Thee
as with cherished sons Thou chasteneth
all those whom Thy love restraineth
working thus to form the will to Thine


still with Thee
ever in Thy work abounding
joys and duties all resounding
in a holy sacrifice of praise


still with Thee
when the hoped for day arriving
gladly to Thy call replying
this Thy servant enters into rest


and in joyous anthems joining
all aglow with glory shining
evermore with Thee my Lord to be
i will find that Thou art
still with me

returning assurance

though Thou slay me i will trust
praise Thee even from the dust
prove, and tell it as i prove,
Thine unutterable love

Thou mayst chasten and correct
but Thou never canst neglect
since the ransom price is paid
on Thy love my hope is stay'd

~spurgeon

windows in the clouds

we've all heard that "clouds have their silver linings" and it's a beautiful sight to behold, for sure. this evening out on a run i could hardly stop looking up at the sky. when i started out there was a massive dark, grey cloud hanging over and hiding the sun. but as the sun began to set and the clouds changed their paces and shapes i looked up and not only could i see pink and gold shining out from behind the edges of the clouds, but there was a huge hole opened up in the middle of the cloud and the sun's rays were spilling through in all directions in bright hues of yellow and gold and white. it was glorious.

i may feel as though the situation i find myself in at present is dull and drear and as though i can't see any light at all from this perspective. waiting to see what is the next step while really not having a clue what His master plan involves for me in this next stage of life. a good time with Him in His Word today allowed me to see a little bit of the end goal and gave me hope and the ability to trust Him for the future i can't see. how i thank Him for sometimes making a window in the clouds so that we can see the Light that He sees all the time.

heartache is the norm

                   "can you imagine how the disciples must have felt...

                    living their mundane little lives as fisherman...

                    one day this Man comes who commands them to follow Him

                    and then they just follow Him...

                    but can you imagine how their worlds must have been rocked??

                    like slowly realizing who He was...

                    and what He was asking of them...

                    and what kind of fight they were getting into...

                    and how their lives would never be the same?"

this was a question asked of me during an online conversation with my best friend a couple days ago. as the above reverie took shape in the message box in front of me, and before i even really allowed myself to seriously consider the question, i suddenly knew the answer as it burned itself thru my chest...

                   "actually, i feel like i kind of can"

whoever came up with the name-it-claim-it, prosperity-gospel kinds of "christianity," teaching that to be a christian means a life of ease and pleasure with all your needs provided for and all your wants also supplied with just a whim and a prayer, has done a lot in the so-called "christian" arena to draw multitudes of people who are looking for a free hand-out or a better life and will never know what it really means to be a follower and disciple of Jesus Christ. 

an earnest look at the kind of life Jesus Himself lived (matt. 8:20) and our simple calling as His disciples to be like our Lord (matt. 10:25) and it is obvious that this life as a follower and imitator of Him not only will involve heartache and suffering, but is meant to. He is the "Man of Sorrows," and "acquainted with grief." He is the one who wept over His unbelieving city and whose heart was heavy to the point of death at the thought of leaving His friends behind. 

in addition to the example of our Lord Himself, we also have the testimonies of countless heroes of the faith and persecuted christians who have walked the road of suffering and found that it leads closer than ever to the Savior who walked there before, and who have lived to bear witness to the truth that any sorrow is worth it that reveals to the grieving heart more of Him who suffered for us. 

the past two years for me, have been a time of watching all of this become more than just words on the pages of scripture, or a testimony from a biography. through the severe mercy and graceful providence of my sovereign God, my eyes have been gradually opened, thru personal experiences of pain and sorrow in the extreme, to see the reality of what it means to be His child, His disciple, His friend. 

at first the un-ripened soul groans and rebels at the harsh realization that this life we are called to live is not at all what it has all along been supposed to be. it seems at the beginning of His hard lessons, as tho we have been lied to; led along by some promise of joy and glory overflowing, only to be dragged down into the mud and mire of reality...pain, disappointment, discouragement, and loss. and to the wounded spirit is whispered, not the comforting words it longs to hear - that it will be ok...that our warrior King will quickly come to the rescue and deliver us from every hurt and every discomfort and restore to us the joy of our salvation -  but rather the shocking, dis-heartening truth that this has been His object and aim all along. 

it is then that it would seem all hope is gone and all purpose for continuing on His path destroyed. for what use is it to cling to empty promises? and what glory can be brought from a life sinking down into the dundrums of despair?

oh, but it is then that His purpose begins to be seen...as He gently takes what is left of our hearts and dreams and molds them in His own nail-scarred hands. as He speaks to us words that only He can speak, and soothes our tired souls with His own healing balm...He who knew pain and sorrow, and gladly bore it that we might walk the path we are now walking. then He begins to open our eyes to see with clarity the comparison with what we are losing and what we are gaining. oh the joy and relief when we are convinced finally to look up from the dust where we lie and see the that we still own the Treasure we had almost given up in return for the ashes we once clung to. (matt. 13:45-46)

for His touch is the only one that can open our eyes to see, that can move our cold, deadened hearts to feel, and re-inspire our faltering spirits to rejoice once again in His mercy that brings us to the end of ourselves to discover where the "life that is Christ" begins. (col. 3:4)

and so while my heart is throbbing from the recent separation of all that is familiar and loved, 

and while i honestly see no reason to think that it will ever stop between now and the day when it is finally and wholly healed in His presence...

and while i have only come to realize as time goes by that it is not as hard as i thought it was, but harder...

it is still OK

because no matter what i gain, or what i lose, 

i still have Him.

to be perfectly frank, right now as i finish this post, not one of the above sentiments feels as engrafted into my heart as i wish they were. thankfully, He has His ways and means of melding our rebellious hearts and His ways into one. if He can be pleased by the fact that these are my beliefs and regardless of my sinful quirks and tendancies this is my desire...

if He is glorified that's all that matters

"that I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death..."

(phil. 3:10)

"my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. for to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

(phil. 1:20-21)

the language of my heart

tonight i went to a chinese restaurant with my family and spoke chinese to the people there for the first time since leaving taiwan almost 4 weeks ago. talked to an adorable little boy who called me "a yi" and had a nice conversation with his mom, a girl from hong kong who married a taiwanese guy and came to the states. another worker came out and started talking to me in taiwanese and i got to use the taiwanese words i know as well. it was wonderful. then we had to go. i went back to the van. i was suddenly overcome with missing taiwan, kinmen, and my dear friends there. i was suddenly reminded overwhelmingly how LARGE a part of my heart is still there...and always will be. i cried.

the end of a chapter...

today was just like any other friday for the past 7 years. got up, went to zheng yi elementary school, taught my classes, loved on my kids, laughed and chatted in the office with the teachers, took the bus home...
it seemed like an ordinary friday, but it was different. it was different because today i did all these things for the last time. today the part of my life where i am an english teacher in kinmen came to an end. today marked the end of the way things have been for 7 years.

if i was writing the story of my life, what would this chapter include?
it would be the story of a call and of answering the call; of a rending, of seperation, of clinging, of surrender, of seeking and finding, of a sufficient fulfilling and supplying. the story of learning to love without being loved in return, of pouring forth and returning to the Source to be filled again; the story of burdens being borne and of learning to roll them onto the shoulders of One strong enough to bear them; the story of sowing with tears without knowing when or how the harvest will be brought forth; of trusting the Lord of the harvest to water and bring to fruit the seeds sown by those He sends into His fields...

it would be the story of a faith being grown, of faith holding on and losing hold, of faith failing, and of the One Who is ever faithful; the story of a broken heart, and of a near turning away from the known path; of a Guide who ever goes before and Who knows the way, of a Shepherd Who never leaves or forsakes His lambs, and of a Father Who chastens and disciplines and brings back into His way those children whom He loves; the story of an all-knowing One who will do what is best for His own, at any cost; the story of a God who gives and takes away, but who gives Himself in return; the story of restoring, of healing, of returning, of believing again; the story of many battles, fierce and intense, and of the mighty King who will always have the victory; the story of evil desperately struggling against the good, but failing each time it encounters the Strong One Whose very name offers protection, hope, and peace and Whose Word is a sharp sword...

it would be the story of friendships forged in the fires of affliction and suffering, to come forth stronger than ever, resilient amid the most vicious storms one could encounter; the story of a Voice that calls within the heart, of learning to hear that Voice above all others, and of laying down one's all to obey it; the story of proving daily that the One Whose Voice calls is enough...that He is ultimitely worthy of the greatest devotion, the supreme sacrifice, the highest praise...

and so this chapter closes

what the next part of the story will bring, i do not know, but i know the One who is writing the story. and i trust Him.

everything in the world

chiseled outside the cemetery at iwo jima: 


when you go home
tell them for us and say
for your tomorrow
we gave our today


"i am deeply moved by the courage and carnage on iwo jima. as i read the pages of this history, everything in me cries out, "oh Lord, don't let me waste my life!" let me come to the end - whether soon or late - and be able to say to a family, a church, a city, and the unreached peoples of the earth, "for your tomorrow, i gave my today. not just for your tomorrow on earth, but for the countless tomorrows of your ever-increasing gladness in God." 


from a corpsman struggling to save the life of his friend we have this moving account:


i took my forceps and reached into his neck to grasp the artery and pinch it off. his blood was spurting. he had no speech but his eyes were on me. he knew i was trying to save his life. i tried everything in the world. i couldn't do it. i tried. the blood was so slippery. i couldn't get the artery. i was trying so hard. and all the while he just looked at me. he looked directly into my face. the last thing he did as the blood spurts became less and less was to pat me on the arm as if to say, "that's all right." then he died.


in this heart-breaking moment i want to be...(both men.) i want to be able to say to suffering and perishing people, "i tried everything in the world...i was trying so hard." and i want to be able to say to those around me when i die, " it's all right. to live is Christ, and to die is gain." "


~don't waste your life by john piper

seeing You

You, God, are my God, 
earnestly I seek you; 
I thirst for you, 
my whole being longs for you, 
in a dry and parched land 
where there is no water.
psalm 63:1


may all i need, all i seek, be You
may i never ask that the way i walk be less parched and weary
only that i always may desire You, pant after You, cry out for You
with all that i am

life after denial

today at church english bible study we read in the gospel of matthew about peter denying Jesus. there were many observations made as we studied this passage as well as corresponding passages in other gospels. the thing that got me though, was one of the discussion questions: "am i like peter? how?" the moment i saw the question i knew that yes, i am very much like peter. how?

like peter, i have been singled out, chosen from among many, called by Jesus to be His disciple, to follow Him and learn of Him.
like peter i have traveled the road with Him for some time, and experienced over and over His incomparable love, His compelling passion for His Father's kingdom and glory, and His miraculous power.
like peter, i am so often full of self-confidence and pride. i bow before Him whom i know to be Lord of heaven and earth, the Christ, and God's own Son, and say that i will follow Him to the ends of the earth, even to the death...that i will never leave Him or turn back from following Him...

like peter, when the storm rises around me i take my eyes from His face, look to the billows that tower so high, and begin to sink.
like peter, in the moment of truth, i turn my back and forsake Him, though perhaps turning back to follow in the shadows.
like peter, when my heart is overwhelmed with disappointment and captured by fear, i deny Him. repeatedly. in the face of all my proud and insistant promises to do otherwise.
perhaps i don't shout out with loud cursing that i don't know Him and have never heard of Him...
but in my life, my attitudes, my thoughts, i am denying His truth, denying His power, denying that He keeps His promises.

i'm so thankful that peter's story didn't end with his broken heart. that Jesus looked at him. that Jesus thought of him, and mentioned him especially after His resurrection. that Jesus not only gave him the chance to reaffirm his love and devotion three times, one for every denial, but also filled him with the Holy Spirit and used him mightily to proclaim the very Name he had denied.

there was mercy and grace for peter.
there is mercy and grace for me.

You who answer prayer

when he walked in the door just minutes before our english bible study began i knew it. i knew it as clearly as if His voice spoke it audibly to me. 


my God hears my prayers. 


there before me was my answer. i had prayed and begged God for all the students...to bring those He wanted there, and to stand in the way of any barriers or hindrances that would keep them from coming to hear His truth. but in all my asking and crying out to Him i had one specific request...that this one student would come even though the friends he usually comes with had already told us they couldn't come this week - that he would have the courage to come anyway; that he would want to hear the truth so much that he wouldn't be able to stay away. 


tonight at bible study i saw God once again take my plans and my ideas and totally rearrange and change them up. i'm coming to expect that. many prayers i saw answered and praised Him. others i am still trusting Him with...still waiting to see how He will show Himself strong and bring Himself glory. but of all the requests i have made of Him, He let me see the answer to this one i for which i particularly asked Him. i am comforted that whether or not i can see His reasoning and His purposes for bringing some and not others, He DOES hear. He didn't have to, but He showed me again, when one student walked through the door...to hear the message that God is stretching out His hand with mercy and grace for sinners who cannot make a way to Him on their own...


do i have the faith to ask Him for more???

blog post number 1

why am i blogging??

i am not sure i even know the answer to that question. there is a part of me that wants to close this down right now and not type any more. a part of me that is scared of getting back to writing. scared of not being able to express myself. scared that i will not keep it up and it will end up sitting here in cyber-space like my xanga and other blogs i started in the past. mostly i am scared of opening up again...of saying what's in my heart. i have gotten used to bottling it up and keeping it all in. perhaps sometimes this is an effective way of protecting one's heart and emotions, but these days i am learning that it is not an effective way to live a life dedicated to making Him known and reaching out to bless others. 

so maybe this blog marks the beginning of my journey back into the world of those who are living and loving life. maybe it is the door to my heart cracking open just a bit to let the light of honesty and truth stream in and warm the coldness that is only just beginning to thaw...

whatever it is, here it is

it may not always be encouraging or uplifting. it may not always sound like one chosen to be a disciple, or called to be a saint should sound. it may not be beautiful words of inspiration or deep and intellectual wisdom. 

but it's real. and it's me.