life after denial

today at church english bible study we read in the gospel of matthew about peter denying Jesus. there were many observations made as we studied this passage as well as corresponding passages in other gospels. the thing that got me though, was one of the discussion questions: "am i like peter? how?" the moment i saw the question i knew that yes, i am very much like peter. how?

like peter, i have been singled out, chosen from among many, called by Jesus to be His disciple, to follow Him and learn of Him.
like peter i have traveled the road with Him for some time, and experienced over and over His incomparable love, His compelling passion for His Father's kingdom and glory, and His miraculous power.
like peter, i am so often full of self-confidence and pride. i bow before Him whom i know to be Lord of heaven and earth, the Christ, and God's own Son, and say that i will follow Him to the ends of the earth, even to the death...that i will never leave Him or turn back from following Him...

like peter, when the storm rises around me i take my eyes from His face, look to the billows that tower so high, and begin to sink.
like peter, in the moment of truth, i turn my back and forsake Him, though perhaps turning back to follow in the shadows.
like peter, when my heart is overwhelmed with disappointment and captured by fear, i deny Him. repeatedly. in the face of all my proud and insistant promises to do otherwise.
perhaps i don't shout out with loud cursing that i don't know Him and have never heard of Him...
but in my life, my attitudes, my thoughts, i am denying His truth, denying His power, denying that He keeps His promises.

i'm so thankful that peter's story didn't end with his broken heart. that Jesus looked at him. that Jesus thought of him, and mentioned him especially after His resurrection. that Jesus not only gave him the chance to reaffirm his love and devotion three times, one for every denial, but also filled him with the Holy Spirit and used him mightily to proclaim the very Name he had denied.

there was mercy and grace for peter.
there is mercy and grace for me.

You who answer prayer

when he walked in the door just minutes before our english bible study began i knew it. i knew it as clearly as if His voice spoke it audibly to me. 


my God hears my prayers. 


there before me was my answer. i had prayed and begged God for all the students...to bring those He wanted there, and to stand in the way of any barriers or hindrances that would keep them from coming to hear His truth. but in all my asking and crying out to Him i had one specific request...that this one student would come even though the friends he usually comes with had already told us they couldn't come this week - that he would have the courage to come anyway; that he would want to hear the truth so much that he wouldn't be able to stay away. 


tonight at bible study i saw God once again take my plans and my ideas and totally rearrange and change them up. i'm coming to expect that. many prayers i saw answered and praised Him. others i am still trusting Him with...still waiting to see how He will show Himself strong and bring Himself glory. but of all the requests i have made of Him, He let me see the answer to this one i for which i particularly asked Him. i am comforted that whether or not i can see His reasoning and His purposes for bringing some and not others, He DOES hear. He didn't have to, but He showed me again, when one student walked through the door...to hear the message that God is stretching out His hand with mercy and grace for sinners who cannot make a way to Him on their own...


do i have the faith to ask Him for more???

blog post number 1

why am i blogging??

i am not sure i even know the answer to that question. there is a part of me that wants to close this down right now and not type any more. a part of me that is scared of getting back to writing. scared of not being able to express myself. scared that i will not keep it up and it will end up sitting here in cyber-space like my xanga and other blogs i started in the past. mostly i am scared of opening up again...of saying what's in my heart. i have gotten used to bottling it up and keeping it all in. perhaps sometimes this is an effective way of protecting one's heart and emotions, but these days i am learning that it is not an effective way to live a life dedicated to making Him known and reaching out to bless others. 

so maybe this blog marks the beginning of my journey back into the world of those who are living and loving life. maybe it is the door to my heart cracking open just a bit to let the light of honesty and truth stream in and warm the coldness that is only just beginning to thaw...

whatever it is, here it is

it may not always be encouraging or uplifting. it may not always sound like one chosen to be a disciple, or called to be a saint should sound. it may not be beautiful words of inspiration or deep and intellectual wisdom. 

but it's real. and it's me.