the ones who didn't cry - reflections on BMH summer camps, 2012

it is day five. the inevitable friday that all BMH (bringmehope.org) campers dread. i stand on the bus trying alternately to close my heart and senses to the scene around me, and open up and embrace it at the same time. my heart melts and runs out my eyes as i watch beautiful child after beautiful child be carried onto the bus by loving volunteers or translators. some as small as 4 or 5 years old; others in their teens. most have to be carried because part of the beauty of these children lies in their disabilities. over the past four days i have seen them charm their volunteers and translators into seeing that beauty - the true beauty that is hidden inside their twisted, deformed bodies. beautiful spirits that are strong from all the challenges they have overcome; beautiful hearts that reach out to love again, in spite of having been hurt so deeply by abandonment and rejection; beautiful faces that snatch the breath out of our very souls and make us fall in love time after time.

i give myself a little shake to keep myself in the present. this time i am not on the bus as a heart-riven volunteer or translator, i am staff. i can't let myself go. can't allow myself to get carried away in the emotions of the moment. people need me. need direction. to my right a volunteer stumbles slowly off the bus, face buried in her hands, shoulders heaving. my hand rests gently on her back as i whisper hope into her ear. "He knows. He sees. He loves them more than we do." - words once spoken into my breaking heart by sympathetic staff as i said goodbye to my first orphans. just down the aisle someone is blocking the way as more children are carried onto the bus. a translator, slumped over his boy, tears pouring onto the child's face like rain, tries to say goodbye, tries to let go, but can't make himself. i've been there. my heart swells up within me as i made my way toward him. a light pat on his shoulder, "it's time. c'mon. he knows you love him. he'll be ok." 

but the worst - the worst for our rending hearts is not the sight of the adults' grief, but that of the children's. i walk towards the exit of the bus, leading the last volunteer who is so overcome i wonder if he will faint. as i walk down the aisle, hands - so many little hands - reach out after me, grasping, clutching my clothes, my hand, my arm, anything they could grab. into every dear little face i look, kissing them for the last time, trying to smile, wiping away tears, even as i mix them with my own. their voices rise and rise, the wail growing louder and louder at the impending departure. the driver releases the clutch causing a rush of smoke and the loud hissing that says the bus will be pulling out within seconds. just seconds to go, and it feels like an eternity - like my heart is being ripped out and carried away with each precious little person the bus carries. "jie jie, don't leave me! don't go! i don't wanna go back there! jie jie!! jie jie...!!" they scream. and the sound pierces down to my very soul. it's the scene my dreams are made of. the sounds that haunt me when i'm not there, not pouring out energy and resources and sweat to help them. the cries that drive me.

i grit my teeth, clench my hands, and promise myself and my God again that someday i won't have to leave them. someday i will be in a place where we can stay together and i can love them with His love and help them day after day to grow in physical and mental and emotional strength as their little hearts and minds heal. for now though, for now, i have to do it. i have to give one last kiss to the sobbing girl closest to the door, give one final wave, shout one final, "jie jie loves you all!" to the heart-broken, sobbing bus-full of kids, and step off the bus. i have to watch the doors close, give high fives through the windows where i can see the tear-streaked faces staring out at me, and run with the bus until it goes so fast that i have to stop to catch my breath. then i will stand waving until long after i can't see the bus through my tear-filled eyes. 

~~~~~~~~

fast forward one week. it is friday again. again i stand on a bus; again, surrounded by translators and volunteers accompanying their children onto the bus, making sure they are comfortable for their long ride. it is time again to say goodbye. to give last kisses, last hugs, last high fives; time to run after the bus and wave goodbye until it is out of sight. time for my heart to break again. no matter how many times i do this, i never "get over" it. never get to the place where a piece of me doesn't go with them, tearing my heart apart as the bus drives away. over the past four days we have played the same games, sung the same songs, watched the same movies, loved with the same love we have been pouring out for three weeks now. but this time something is different. i look around, taking in the scene, trying once again to open my heart to it, and still protect it somehow from the pain. but this time it's a different kind of pain. as i look into these faces i don't see sadness, heartbreak, or despair. no little hands reach out to grab me, and no voices protest aloud the hell that is taking place in their hearts. these children sit calmly in their seats, gazing matter-of-factly out the window. they even smile as they wave at their volunteers and translators outside. the driver closes the doors, releases the clutch, and a repeat of the previous three weeks begins it's vicious course. after the bus rounds the bend i stop, hand frozen in the air where it waved, stomach clenching so that i feel sick and my legs feel weak. i drag wearily back to my fellow staff friends and we lock our arms around each other's shoulders as we commend them to Him who knows and understands all hearts and who protects the afflicted and abandoned, and who is a Father to the fatherless. 

these kids are from a home where, from their actions, behaviors, responses exhibited over the last week, we fear they do not have as safe, protected, and healthy an environment as we hope all our precious kids can return to after camps. despite their silence and apparent nonchalant attitudes as the bus pulled away, i have seen, throughout the week, many, many evidences that their little hearts are screaming and crying out inside them, for love. it is impossible to know what secrets are locked in their past, what made them the way they are today. but it is apparent to anyone who tries to love them that their hearts and emotions have been locked away in some place perhaps even deeper. shut off from anything and anyone in an attempt to protect themselves from further hurt and damage. it's so hard to feel like just another adult in the long list of adults who have come and gone in their lives. so hard to not be given enough time to break through; to prove to them that we are different. so hard to send them back to a place where in all probability they will go on and on being hurt, only deepening the emotionless silence that has become their world - their safe place. only in His strength...only because He knows their names and their situations...only because His heart breaks for them even more than mine...only because He's worthy of our trust...

it's the only way i can let them go. 

as far as the kids from the first scene go, they have been to camp before - some of them multiple times. after camp they return to a foster-care situation where there are loving people evaluating them, helping them get treatment and therapy, and advocating for them to find forever homes. yes, it is heartbreaking to watch them go. it hurts to see them hurt. but in comparison, it is much easier to see their tears, to watch their increasingly normal reactions to grief, than it is to see children who have been hurt so badly that they are completely closed off to emotions of any kind, no matter how sad or happy. 

so in retrospect, as i process each week from this past summer of camps, the lessons learned the tears shed, the kids i came to know and love - my heart breaks for them all. my tears, my prayers, my future plans are for them all. but i grit my teeth a little harder, and clench my fists a little tighter when i promise myself and my God again that someday - someday i will do something for these. for the ones who didn't cry.

welcome home

on my way back from my favorite coffee shop where i enjoyed a good chat with my bestest friend, i walked back through my favorite streets in the world. past the jewelry shop that fixed my broken necklace chain for 50NT (about $1.70 US), and the "everything store" (thus named because at one time it was the only store in kinmen where you could literally buy anything), past the old "abei" (uncle) who is my special friend and always smiles and nods at me, and the stinky tofu stand with the little "ama" (grandma) who makes stinky tofu with her little grandson strapped on her back in a sling. past the bakery run by my student's parents, and the "bag lady" store with the sweet aboriginal lady who always invites me in for tea and has cried with me about anything from missing home to sad pet stories. as always, it was common as i passed by for people to look up and nod, smile, or call out a friendly "hello" as they recognized me. as i walked i thanked God in my heart for this place and these people and this time when i can enjoy walking familiar streets, seeing dear faces, and feeling an incomparable "at homeness" that makes my heart tingle with joy.

i got to the intersection with the tea stand and the corner clothing shop, (where i have purchased more clothing that i care to admit : / ) to be waved in to chat by the shop ladies. "yes, i am back in kinmen for a couple months...yes, i have been in china for the past while working in an orphan home...no, i did NOT find a boyfriend while there, and i am not searching...yes, i missed kinmen very much." i went on to tell them what i was feeling in my heart at that moment, and what i've felt since i set foot back on this island...how no matter where i've gone during the 9 months since i left kinmen, i haven't been able to find anywhere that feels like this. how kinmen's people, and simple beauty and charm have stolen a part of my heart that i will never be able to take back. how the friendliness and warmth of the shopkeepers and families i pass by so often took me in and made me feel like one of them during my first years here. how no matter where i go in the future, just like i will always go home to america to see my family and loved ones there, i will, of course, come home to kinmen every chance i get. tears came to my eyes as i talked with my friends. i looked over to see one of the ladies dabbing her eyes. the other one teased her good-humoredly for being so moved, but smiled from ear to ear as she told me, "kinmen's people are so happy to hear you say that. we will always be here, and this will always be your home! after you finish running everywhere and helping people, welcome back home to kinmen to retire and rest!"

hmmmmm...not such a bad idea. at any rate, i know that come end of june when i get on a boat and sail back to china, i will not be nearly as sad as i was last summer when i took my last view of kinmen from the plane before it was hidden behind the clouds. because i will be back. wherever He leads me, whatever lessons i learn along the way about obeying and trusting Him, i will always come home.

the path of life

as i wrap up my internship here at the foster care home for orphans in china where i have been for the past 3 months, my heart and thoughts are turning fast to consider the question, "what's next?"

joshuaproject.net, bringmehope.org, destinyrescue.org...
so many tabs open on my laptop as i seek God's wisdom and His will asking Him to lead and guide me in His way and how He wants to get glory from my life. i have thought for years that i knew the direction i was supposed to go, and exactly how He wanted me to approach the issues He has burned into my heart as burdens. in the past weeks and months it's as though He has taken my goals and visions which i thought were already big, and shown me that He wants to expand them to be even...BIGGER. (isaiah 54:2-3) while i am willing to be used however He pleases, and go wherever He sends it can be overwhelming to look at the current needs and issues in our sick and suffering world today and try to discern where and how best to use up this one life for His glory, and for the purpose of making that glory known to the nations - namely the people groups He has laid on my heart most, the unreached, the unwanted and unloved, (poor and orphans) and the enslaved. (yes, slavery exists today, and in much more alarming proportions than most people are aware of.)  

the questions constantly on my heart as i become more and more aware of needs and already existing ministries, are, "where, Lord?" "what?" "how?" "when?"

these are all questions to which i would like to know the answer...NOW.
and granted, they are important ones, and ones that i believe He is answering and will continue to answer. as i was discussing this with my dear friend she said something that got my attention, and i knew it was His way of speaking truth to me.

"i'm not convinced that there is ONE path He's just waiting for you to find...isn't it more about getting your heart in line with His?...i think it's more about seeking His heart than seeking a specific path."

the more i thought about those words, the more they resonated in my spirit as truth. what is it psalm 16:11 says?

"You make known to me the path of life. in Your presence there is fullness of joy. at Your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

nothing about what the psalmist was "doing" for God's glory when he wrote that, just the overriding truth that everything He needed - all the joy, all the pleasures, all the guidance He needed for life, was in Him.

so i've been meditating on this thought ever since...

asking Him to do a re-working in the way i think and seek Him for guidance concerning the future. might not my time, prayers, and energies be better directed to a whole-hearted, passionate, all or nothing pursuit of Him and His heart than trying to narrow down from a million-and-one-needs and possibilities one specific area to pursue?

and we have this promise as well,

"seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."
matt. 6:33

ok, so i realize the ministries, possibilities, opportunities that are turning about in my head and heart like a tornado ARE a part of His kingdom. they can most definitely be labeled "kingdom work." and they are what i want to live and die doing.

but it is the growing desire of my heart, that His kingdom will first have it's rule and reign in me. that His glory, His righteousness, His love, His compassion, His Spirit, will be seen and expressed and made to live and breath in me, whether i am on a far away mountain taking the gospel to an unreached tribe, sitting in the middle of a bustling city learning how to shine His light in a communist society, or standing on the platform of a local church in the states speaking up for those who have no voice and no one to plea for their bondage, suffering, and pain.

it's why my heart's cry, today, and i pray every day for all my days is,
"Lord, let me see You. as my Treasure. as my Goal. as my Purpose. as my All."

i'm staking my life and happiness on the hope that He will never fail to make known to me the path of life as He patiently continues to teach me to abandon myself to the pursuit of seeing Him more and more for who He is.

a word for the weary

just like it's cold and flu season in the states, it is here too. after several days of taking kids to the hospital, talking to doctors and nurses, sitting through iv treatments, singing to them, holding them, answering patiently (i hope) a million question and answer sessions and taking kind and not so kind comments from curious on-lookers who want to know what the foreigner is doing with a chinese baby...you get the idea...a very tired baby and a very spent me finally arrived back at our house. while my normal schedule includes regular mon. - fri. shifts, and weekends off, this weekend has been spent pretty much at the hospital. or somewhere on the road between here and there. all i wanted to do was pass the baby off to the people on shift and crash in my room. the house was full of guests who had come to see the kids, but i didn't give them a second thought. i was set on a beeline to my room and the coveted rest. 

it didn't take long to see that things weren't going to work out quite the way i pictured. the baby wouldn't let me put her down, and clung to me refusing to eat unless i fed her. a worker from another one of our homes was there to see me and followed me into my room needing me to help her with some reference info and pics, and it seemed everyone was still demanding my time and attention. the verses from the gospels about Jesus being pressed in from every side with the crowds demanding to see Him and ignoring His need for rest flitted through my mind. as i had been the entire day, once again i sent up a prayer for grace, asking Him to be the strength and love i needed to keep on pouring out to everyone who needed me. 

as i sat holding the baby and talking to the worker, a lady i have never seen before came in, looked directly at me, and said, "praise the Lord! may God bless you for what you are doing. all afternoon as i have played and spent time with the kids there has been one phrase on my mind, 

"can a woman forget her nursing child, that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb? even these may forget, yet I will not forget you." (isaiah 49:15)

as i stared at her in amazement, tears filled my eyes and spilled over down my cheeks. it was one of those moments where you cease to see the person standing in front of you, and all you hear is His voice speaking straight to you. this woman who has never met me before, never heard my story, and certainly couldn’t see the weariness and struggle in my heart, went on to kneel down beside me and hold my hand as she lifted me up to the Father asking Him to give me strength. she told Him that while others may not understand what i am doing and may not be able to see the purpose, yet she is confident that He sees and He knows and honors the work we are doing here. He sees my tears. she then repeated several times a phrase that was also spoken into my heart as His words to me, “those who sow in tears will reap in joy.” (psalm 126:5) again and again she repeated it, the truth of the promise each time working itself deeper into my tired heart.

when she finished praying, she stood up, said again, “God bless you! praise the Lord!” and left. i felt i had been visited by an angel. regardless, i know that He sent her to me and gave her the word that i needed to hear. there’s just no other way to explain how someone who doesn’t know me and has never met me before would know so explicitly my need and how to pray for me. it was just as if He came down Himself and spoke directly to my needy spirit the words He wanted me to hear.

“the Lord God has given me the tongue of those who are taught that i may know how to sustain with a word him who is weary…”
isaiah 50:4

it’s something i’ve prayed for time after time…the wisdom to know how to speak a word in season to someone in need. how amazing it is when He comes Himself to speak a word to our weary hearts, leaving peace where there was anxiety, rest where there was turmoil, and grace to strengthen and sustain. and how humbling and encouraging it is that He chooses to use people like you and me as His spokesmen. 

am i a messenger of His grace to those around me?

fire in my bones

thoughts from Oct. 4, 2011 - 

today i was just seeing again how 3 PERCENT of missionaries go to unreached peoples

i was SO burdened anew for this group of people 

and i was like, God, let me be one of the 3 percent

and then i went outside and i was talking to Him about it...

processing and walking thru it and what it meant with Him

and then i just had this sense that He was taking me down from my pedestal and saying, "no, you don't have a 'special call' that others don't have...it's just that today I have made you more aware of the call I have laid on every disciple of Mine"

i realized it's for me

it's for you

it's for EVERYONE who names the name of Christ and calls themselves His disciple

THE GREAT COMMISSION:

“all power is given unto Me in heaven and in earth.

go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy ghost: teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” matt. 28:18-20

and then the desire just LIT up like an even HUGER fire inside me to AWAKEN other people to His call

not that i can call them

but i can tell them the need

i can let them see what i've seen

you wouldn't believe how many people come up to me and say, "i'm SO glad God called you to do that cuz i never could..."

they want to count listening to a missions speaker as their "missions outreach" for the week...or month...or year...or something

i just think that most of them DON'T KNOW

that He IS calling them to missions

and that's what He's putting in my heart to share with every brother and sister i meet

just saying “God doesn’t call  everyone to GO themselves…”  has become a cliche response for many people naming the name of Christ but is not an excuse for just being comfortable where we are

what i PRAY people will see is that they DON'T have to go...

...if they talk to God and that's what He tells them

but they DO have to be a part of world missions

i don't think people want to talk to Him about that

for fear of what His answer might be

i think it takes a special call from God to STAY

not to go

going should be the norm

speaking His truth and sharing the gospel should be a given in the life of every disciple of Christ

"if i say, 'i will not mention Him, or speak any more in His name,' there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and i am weary with holding it in, and i cannot" (jer. 20:9).

Jesus said,

"my food is to do the will of Him who sent me and to accomplish His work" (john 4:34)

can you imagine if EVERY person who sits on a pew would REALLY come before Him and ask Him about that?

and be willing to do whatever He said?!

that would be...amazing

a revival

awakening

it's what i long to see

it's what i want so much

i believe He can do it
i believe He IS doing it

am i awake or asleep? 

will i be content to lethargically sleep and live in such a way as to lull others to remain in their state of lethargic sleep?

or will i be AWAKE and an AWAKENER?

"it is now time for you to wake up from your sleep..." (rom. 13:11)

january 1st, 2012

a new year. a blank page. a fresh start. a recalling of a year of mercies and grace poured out on weak, struggling, undeserving me. an evening of gratefulness and joy and falling in love with my Lord all over again.

earlier in the afternoon while preparing to speak and play with my brother’s band at a youth rally to see in the new year, i looked in the mirror to see my own eyes sparkling back at me in a way i haven’t seen for a long time. too long. and as i saw my own joy reflected there, i knew the reason. my heart cried out spontaneously, “oh Lord, i am in love with You.” and it was true.

later standing at the keyboard as the band played “always” – “oh, my God! He will not delay! my refuge and strength always. i will not fear. His promise is true. my God will come through always…” another realization swept it’s way through my heart and soul. “rebekah,” He was saying, “of all the things you have learned and proven true this year, this is the one thing you know without doubt. because I have shown you. I have been faithful to you. I will come through. every time.” again, my heart echoed back in praise. “Lord, i love you.”

on the way home, listening to songs that have blessed me, strengthened me, and carried me through the darkest days of 2011, i remembered all He has done and all He has brought me through. He has covered me and carried me. He has fought for me like a soldier. He has broken through the pain and loneliness. He has reached down into my heartache and pulled me out. He has sung over me and let me hear His melody again. He has spoken out over the waves and called me name. He has held onto me when i was drifting in the deep end. He has held me together when life has treated me like a beggar. He has held my heart when it was shaking like a leaf and healed it when it was broken and bursting at the seams. He has been my water in the dessert, and my shelter in the fires of affliction. He has begun to make me into a vessel He can always use for His glory.

and so i’m going to sing, with every breath i can breathe, about how He loves me and how hope has come home to me and how fear has run the other way. how all my soul needs is all His love to cover me so that the world can see that i have nothing without Him. and even though He’s heard it a thousand times before, i’m going to sing, though at times it may be with desperate tongue, and broken, clinging heart, and empty hands lifted up with nothing to give, the song that is more beautiful than songs of angels and gifts of kings.

this is not the end. i will open my mouth wider. i will taste more this year of His goodness and find Him even more satisfying and worthy than last year. i will see more of His glory, and make it known to many others. i will find myself desperate and needy again, and fall before Him to find again that He alone can meet every need of my heart. He alone can enable me to fulfill the purpose He has burned into my heart of glorifying Him and making His glory known.

may my life praise Him in 2012.

“here i am, Lord, all i am Lord.
here i am, Lord, i am Yours.”