i'm writing this post from my bed where i've been for the past three days since the flu decided to pay me a visit the day after christmas. in a way, it's perfect that this post be written from amid the mountain of tissues, medicines, and hot water mugs that surround me. it's so "not perfect" that it's perfect.
this christmas has been the most different one of my entire life! between the flurry and dizziness of getting engaged on thanksgiving day just as the christmas holiday was beginning, and being in neither of my familiar places to celebrate the season, there have been many times when nothing "feels" right. it just doesn't "feel" like christmas. for any of you seeing pics posted of me on facebook with my handsome fiance looking as if all is bliss, don't be deceived into thinking that our life is without it's hardships, lessons, and challenges. this post is about how in it's different-ness and hardness and unchristmasy-ness it has also been the most beautiful.
in the states as christmas approaches, anywhere you look you can see signs of the season - christmas trees in houses, stores, businesses, malls decked out to encourage shoppers to get in the "christmas spirit" in THEIR mall, strains of "silent night" and "joy to the world" can be heard wherever you go because somehow at christmas time it's ok to proclaim from the housetops that "Christ our Savior is born" in the public arena. and from the christian arena, there are even a decent amount of reminders that "Jesus is the Reason for the season." families are preparing their annual visits, favorite goodies and dishes, wrapping gifts, and houses smell of cinnamon and spices and fireplaces glow. in our own ways we are all trying to find christmas. we are searching for a feeling that we once had, whether it be when we were children and christmas was magical, or that one year that it seemed everything was perfect - all the family was gathered round the tree, everything was harmonious, all was calm and still as dad read from the advent story book by candlelight...
so what happens when none of those "feelings" that seem to make christmas are anywhere to be found? what happens to the Savior's birthday when there is no pile of gifts under the tree to commemorate the great Gift that He gave of Himself? what happens when looking out the window there are no lights or greenery or christmas trees to please our eyes and give us that "christmas feeling" in our hearts? what happens to our hearts when that warm family feeling cannot be recreated? when hurts and rifts and disagreements are too deep for harmony and peaceful gatherings? what happens when death enters a home and leaves that family circle feeling empty and broken and unfixable and irreparably void of the warm feelings christmas is supposed to bring?
this christmas, stripped [just when i think it can't be stripped any more...] of so much of the glitter and spice and eye and ear pleasers that my heart has come to look and long for at this time of year, i have been amazed as He has shown me, with more clarity and depth than ever before, the beauty and wonder of His Son coming to earth.
" ...and the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen His glory..."
john 1:14 tells us.
the gifts that have decorated my christmas this year cannot be bought in a store, wrapped in pretty paper, or put under a tree. they are not feelings that can be drummed up by the sounds of a christmas song or the smell of cookies baking or the sight of fresh fallen snow glittering with the reflection of christmas lights, or even by cuddling down with my favorite man to watch a christmas movie. [let it be said here that said favorite man has been GREAT in making me feel loved and special although i'm spending this christmas so far from my family.]
this christmas as i sat with a group of students, around an open bible, sharing and discussing the story of how and why He came, the miracles surrounding His virgin birth, the very miracle of the Gift that He is to all of mankind, my heart hung a twinkling decoration in honor of this moment. the longer we talked about His birth, His unselfish love for us, and His immense and timeless plan to become like us, take on our skin and bones, and feel our very pain and sorrow and discomfort and sickness, then to die for us so that we might know the Light of Life...the brighter the ornament in my heart shone.
hearing new baby christians thank Him for His coming, tell Him how grateful they are and how unworthy they are for Him to come with His light into their darkness, how they only want to live for Him, my heart hung another ornament. here, with no lights, no tree, no outward signs at ALL of christmas as we have come to expect it to be, here were His disciples "getting it." they might not get what christmas means to us in the states, but they get HIM. here was the true meaning of christmas.
learning, sacrificing, messing up, and growing in my relationship with my husband-to-be, working through some difficult things with someone very dear to my heart, realizing that christmas isn't a time to cover up and hide unlovely or unholy things, but to rejoice that HE CAME to our unholiness, yet another tear-be-sparkled ornament graced the corners of my heart. coming to accept the grace that says christmas is not only for joyful things, and in all reality, this is WHY we can be joyful. this is why we have christmas. not to cover up or run away from things that make us uncomfortable or that look and feel messy, but because IN them, we have a PRESENT Savior...our Emmanuel, who came to be our Shepherd, our Guide, our Helper, our Rescuer - not separate from these everyday messes, pains, failures, and difficulties, but IN them.
"the Spirit of the Lord is on Me, because the Lord has anointed Me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent Me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair..."
isaiah 61:1-3
so for me this christmas, the all-encompassing lesson to be learned has been that He came not to give me one warm fuzzy night a year of "silent nights" where all is calm and bright, but to enter my sin, suffering, unholiness, gloom, despair, struggles, messiness, grouchy moods, unchristlike attitudes, and bring the Light of His life to outshine my darkness. writing out from under the mound of blankets, tissues and such that have continued to collect during the writing of this epistle, i can say with joy that three sick/flu days after christmas, the decorations He hung in my heart this season are still shining brightly. [good thing because i'm watching the strands of lights on my sad little tree burn out one by one.] praying He will continue to teach me more of Himself...what it means that He is my Light and my Life...in whatever season, whatever situation i find myself.
"In Him was life and the life was the light of men. the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."
john 1:4-5
