the end of a chapter...

today was just like any other friday for the past 7 years. got up, went to zheng yi elementary school, taught my classes, loved on my kids, laughed and chatted in the office with the teachers, took the bus home...
it seemed like an ordinary friday, but it was different. it was different because today i did all these things for the last time. today the part of my life where i am an english teacher in kinmen came to an end. today marked the end of the way things have been for 7 years.

if i was writing the story of my life, what would this chapter include?
it would be the story of a call and of answering the call; of a rending, of seperation, of clinging, of surrender, of seeking and finding, of a sufficient fulfilling and supplying. the story of learning to love without being loved in return, of pouring forth and returning to the Source to be filled again; the story of burdens being borne and of learning to roll them onto the shoulders of One strong enough to bear them; the story of sowing with tears without knowing when or how the harvest will be brought forth; of trusting the Lord of the harvest to water and bring to fruit the seeds sown by those He sends into His fields...

it would be the story of a faith being grown, of faith holding on and losing hold, of faith failing, and of the One Who is ever faithful; the story of a broken heart, and of a near turning away from the known path; of a Guide who ever goes before and Who knows the way, of a Shepherd Who never leaves or forsakes His lambs, and of a Father Who chastens and disciplines and brings back into His way those children whom He loves; the story of an all-knowing One who will do what is best for His own, at any cost; the story of a God who gives and takes away, but who gives Himself in return; the story of restoring, of healing, of returning, of believing again; the story of many battles, fierce and intense, and of the mighty King who will always have the victory; the story of evil desperately struggling against the good, but failing each time it encounters the Strong One Whose very name offers protection, hope, and peace and Whose Word is a sharp sword...

it would be the story of friendships forged in the fires of affliction and suffering, to come forth stronger than ever, resilient amid the most vicious storms one could encounter; the story of a Voice that calls within the heart, of learning to hear that Voice above all others, and of laying down one's all to obey it; the story of proving daily that the One Whose Voice calls is enough...that He is ultimitely worthy of the greatest devotion, the supreme sacrifice, the highest praise...

and so this chapter closes

what the next part of the story will bring, i do not know, but i know the One who is writing the story. and i trust Him.

everything in the world

chiseled outside the cemetery at iwo jima: 


when you go home
tell them for us and say
for your tomorrow
we gave our today


"i am deeply moved by the courage and carnage on iwo jima. as i read the pages of this history, everything in me cries out, "oh Lord, don't let me waste my life!" let me come to the end - whether soon or late - and be able to say to a family, a church, a city, and the unreached peoples of the earth, "for your tomorrow, i gave my today. not just for your tomorrow on earth, but for the countless tomorrows of your ever-increasing gladness in God." 


from a corpsman struggling to save the life of his friend we have this moving account:


i took my forceps and reached into his neck to grasp the artery and pinch it off. his blood was spurting. he had no speech but his eyes were on me. he knew i was trying to save his life. i tried everything in the world. i couldn't do it. i tried. the blood was so slippery. i couldn't get the artery. i was trying so hard. and all the while he just looked at me. he looked directly into my face. the last thing he did as the blood spurts became less and less was to pat me on the arm as if to say, "that's all right." then he died.


in this heart-breaking moment i want to be...(both men.) i want to be able to say to suffering and perishing people, "i tried everything in the world...i was trying so hard." and i want to be able to say to those around me when i die, " it's all right. to live is Christ, and to die is gain." "


~don't waste your life by john piper

seeing You

You, God, are my God, 
earnestly I seek you; 
I thirst for you, 
my whole being longs for you, 
in a dry and parched land 
where there is no water.
psalm 63:1


may all i need, all i seek, be You
may i never ask that the way i walk be less parched and weary
only that i always may desire You, pant after You, cry out for You
with all that i am

life after denial

today at church english bible study we read in the gospel of matthew about peter denying Jesus. there were many observations made as we studied this passage as well as corresponding passages in other gospels. the thing that got me though, was one of the discussion questions: "am i like peter? how?" the moment i saw the question i knew that yes, i am very much like peter. how?

like peter, i have been singled out, chosen from among many, called by Jesus to be His disciple, to follow Him and learn of Him.
like peter i have traveled the road with Him for some time, and experienced over and over His incomparable love, His compelling passion for His Father's kingdom and glory, and His miraculous power.
like peter, i am so often full of self-confidence and pride. i bow before Him whom i know to be Lord of heaven and earth, the Christ, and God's own Son, and say that i will follow Him to the ends of the earth, even to the death...that i will never leave Him or turn back from following Him...

like peter, when the storm rises around me i take my eyes from His face, look to the billows that tower so high, and begin to sink.
like peter, in the moment of truth, i turn my back and forsake Him, though perhaps turning back to follow in the shadows.
like peter, when my heart is overwhelmed with disappointment and captured by fear, i deny Him. repeatedly. in the face of all my proud and insistant promises to do otherwise.
perhaps i don't shout out with loud cursing that i don't know Him and have never heard of Him...
but in my life, my attitudes, my thoughts, i am denying His truth, denying His power, denying that He keeps His promises.

i'm so thankful that peter's story didn't end with his broken heart. that Jesus looked at him. that Jesus thought of him, and mentioned him especially after His resurrection. that Jesus not only gave him the chance to reaffirm his love and devotion three times, one for every denial, but also filled him with the Holy Spirit and used him mightily to proclaim the very Name he had denied.

there was mercy and grace for peter.
there is mercy and grace for me.

You who answer prayer

when he walked in the door just minutes before our english bible study began i knew it. i knew it as clearly as if His voice spoke it audibly to me. 


my God hears my prayers. 


there before me was my answer. i had prayed and begged God for all the students...to bring those He wanted there, and to stand in the way of any barriers or hindrances that would keep them from coming to hear His truth. but in all my asking and crying out to Him i had one specific request...that this one student would come even though the friends he usually comes with had already told us they couldn't come this week - that he would have the courage to come anyway; that he would want to hear the truth so much that he wouldn't be able to stay away. 


tonight at bible study i saw God once again take my plans and my ideas and totally rearrange and change them up. i'm coming to expect that. many prayers i saw answered and praised Him. others i am still trusting Him with...still waiting to see how He will show Himself strong and bring Himself glory. but of all the requests i have made of Him, He let me see the answer to this one i for which i particularly asked Him. i am comforted that whether or not i can see His reasoning and His purposes for bringing some and not others, He DOES hear. He didn't have to, but He showed me again, when one student walked through the door...to hear the message that God is stretching out His hand with mercy and grace for sinners who cannot make a way to Him on their own...


do i have the faith to ask Him for more???

blog post number 1

why am i blogging??

i am not sure i even know the answer to that question. there is a part of me that wants to close this down right now and not type any more. a part of me that is scared of getting back to writing. scared of not being able to express myself. scared that i will not keep it up and it will end up sitting here in cyber-space like my xanga and other blogs i started in the past. mostly i am scared of opening up again...of saying what's in my heart. i have gotten used to bottling it up and keeping it all in. perhaps sometimes this is an effective way of protecting one's heart and emotions, but these days i am learning that it is not an effective way to live a life dedicated to making Him known and reaching out to bless others. 

so maybe this blog marks the beginning of my journey back into the world of those who are living and loving life. maybe it is the door to my heart cracking open just a bit to let the light of honesty and truth stream in and warm the coldness that is only just beginning to thaw...

whatever it is, here it is

it may not always be encouraging or uplifting. it may not always sound like one chosen to be a disciple, or called to be a saint should sound. it may not be beautiful words of inspiration or deep and intellectual wisdom. 

but it's real. and it's me.