"can you imagine how the disciples must have felt...
living their mundane little lives as fisherman...
one day this Man comes who commands them to follow Him
and then they just follow Him...
but can you imagine how their worlds must have been rocked??
like slowly realizing who He was...
and what He was asking of them...
and what kind of fight they were getting into...
and how their lives would never be the same?"
this was a question asked of me during an online conversation with my best friend a couple days ago. as the above reverie took shape in the message box in front of me, and before i even really allowed myself to seriously consider the question, i suddenly knew the answer as it burned itself thru my chest...
"actually, i feel like i kind of can"
whoever came up with the name-it-claim-it, prosperity-gospel kinds of "christianity," teaching that to be a christian means a life of ease and pleasure with all your needs provided for and all your wants also supplied with just a whim and a prayer, has done a lot in the so-called "christian" arena to draw multitudes of people who are looking for a free hand-out or a better life and will never know what it really means to be a follower and disciple of Jesus Christ.
an earnest look at the kind of life Jesus Himself lived (matt. 8:20) and our simple calling as His disciples to be like our Lord (matt. 10:25) and it is obvious that this life as a follower and imitator of Him not only will involve heartache and suffering, but is meant to. He is the "Man of Sorrows," and "acquainted with grief." He is the one who wept over His unbelieving city and whose heart was heavy to the point of death at the thought of leaving His friends behind.
in addition to the example of our Lord Himself, we also have the testimonies of countless heroes of the faith and persecuted christians who have walked the road of suffering and found that it leads closer than ever to the Savior who walked there before, and who have lived to bear witness to the truth that any sorrow is worth it that reveals to the grieving heart more of Him who suffered for us.
the past two years for me, have been a time of watching all of this become more than just words on the pages of scripture, or a testimony from a biography. through the severe mercy and graceful providence of my sovereign God, my eyes have been gradually opened, thru personal experiences of pain and sorrow in the extreme, to see the reality of what it means to be His child, His disciple, His friend.
at first the un-ripened soul groans and rebels at the harsh realization that this life we are called to live is not at all what it has all along been supposed to be. it seems at the beginning of His hard lessons, as tho we have been lied to; led along by some promise of joy and glory overflowing, only to be dragged down into the mud and mire of reality...pain, disappointment, discouragement, and loss. and to the wounded spirit is whispered, not the comforting words it longs to hear - that it will be ok...that our warrior King will quickly come to the rescue and deliver us from every hurt and every discomfort and restore to us the joy of our salvation - but rather the shocking, dis-heartening truth that this has been His object and aim all along.
it is then that it would seem all hope is gone and all purpose for continuing on His path destroyed. for what use is it to cling to empty promises? and what glory can be brought from a life sinking down into the dundrums of despair?
oh, but it is then that His purpose begins to be seen...as He gently takes what is left of our hearts and dreams and molds them in His own nail-scarred hands. as He speaks to us words that only He can speak, and soothes our tired souls with His own healing balm...He who knew pain and sorrow, and gladly bore it that we might walk the path we are now walking. then He begins to open our eyes to see with clarity the comparison with what we are losing and what we are gaining. oh the joy and relief when we are convinced finally to look up from the dust where we lie and see the that we still own the Treasure we had almost given up in return for the ashes we once clung to. (matt. 13:45-46)
for His touch is the only one that can open our eyes to see, that can move our cold, deadened hearts to feel, and re-inspire our faltering spirits to rejoice once again in His mercy that brings us to the end of ourselves to discover where the "life that is Christ" begins. (col. 3:4)
and so while my heart is throbbing from the recent separation of all that is familiar and loved,
and while i honestly see no reason to think that it will ever stop between now and the day when it is finally and wholly healed in His presence...
and while i have only come to realize as time goes by that it is not as hard as i thought it was, but harder...
it is still OK
because no matter what i gain, or what i lose,
i still have Him.
to be perfectly frank, right now as i finish this post, not one of the above sentiments feels as engrafted into my heart as i wish they were. thankfully, He has His ways and means of melding our rebellious hearts and His ways into one. if He can be pleased by the fact that these are my beliefs and regardless of my sinful quirks and tendancies this is my desire...
if He is glorified that's all that matters
"that I may know Him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death..."
(phil. 3:10)
"my earnest expectation and my hope, that in nothing I shall be ashamed, but that with all boldness, as always, so now also Christ shall be magnified in my body, whether it be by life, or by death. for to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.
(phil. 1:20-21)
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